BLOG: Staying Sane When Staying at Home

LEXINGTON, Ky. (May 1, 2020) — Following is a blog from Amy Rodquist-Kodet, a health coach for University of Kentucky Health and Wellness, part of UK Human Resources.

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A couple of days ago, my husband found me sitting on the floor of our closet with the lights off and the door closed. I told him I was trying to distance myself from the only people I’m not allowed to distance from — my family. 

Now to be clear, I love these people with my whole heart, but after four-plus weeks of trying to do meaningful work from home during the pandemic with no child care, our twin babies teething, competing for wireless bandwidth, moments of sanity and uninterrupted work time with my spouse, and my teen being full on teen — I was simply looking for an escape. In the closet. By myself. 

I also know I am very privileged. My husband and I still have jobs we can do from the isolated safety of our home. Our family is healthy and I have a pantry full of food (six pounds of dried black beans to be exact). And in the midst of the gratitude for all that’s going right, I’m still flooded with daily feelings of overwhelm, fear, grief, guilt and generalized agitation. 

So how do we move forward with more ease for ourselves and those we share a roof with during these unprecedented times? Even though I’m a seasoned health coach with extensive training in resiliency, I don’t have any magical bulleted lists for stress-free living during a pandemic. Instead, here are a few practices to try out when hiding in the closet isn’t quite cutting it.

Acknowledge how you feel

According to the research conducted by Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, when you can put a name to a troubling feeling, you have greater capacity to calm your brain’s fight or flight response. When our feeling words are descriptive and wide ranging, we are more able to understand ourselves and get to the root of what’s going on below the surface.  

And for the record, it’s totally okay to be having really difficult, uncomfortable feelings right now (or anytime, for that matter). Feelings aren’t good or bad, they’re like messengers that alert you to something happening. Here are some ways to practice working with feelings:

- Try offering yourself some compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, a human development researcher at the University of Texas, Austin, researches self-compassion and its power to transform stress and grief. Delve into her website — it’s full of helpful exercises, meditations and video clips. Here's a link to some of her free downloadable meditations.

- Use this “ABC” exercise to respond to feelings.

Accept what you’re feeling with curiosity. Try to name the feelings that are bubbling up.

Breathe. Take five deep breaths. The breath helps to give you space between the initial feeling and the response (your brain really likes this part because you’re activating your natural calm response in the parasympathetic nervous system).

Choose how you’d like to respond. What is one small thing you could lovingly do, say or shift in the moment to take care of yourself?

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

• Get as clear as possible with what you need, especially with kids. Just because you’re all sheltering in place together doesn’t mean you have availability to play or be at their beck and call 24/7. What boundaries do your kids, roommates or partners have? Allow kids to set some boundaries for themselves and with you and other siblings as well. 
• Have some sort of designated workspace, even if it’s a bit unconventional. During this pandemic, I’ve taken many calls and meetings from my car parked in our driveway when I’ve needed extra quiet and concentrated flow. It isn’t ideal, but times like this call for creative solutions.
• Coordinate schedules and needs for the day ahead of time. Are there times in the day when the house needs to be extra quiet? Is a shared lunch or break possible? What time will you turn off your computer? Having some sort of plan, even if it’s very loose, can help everyone in the house set more realistic expectations.
• Reframe an A+ day. Sometimes a successful day is everybody making it to bed still breathing. We’ve never lived through a pandemic before, so go easy on yourself (and those around you). Tomorrow is a new day to start again.
• It’s not your job to keep everyone happy at home. It isn’t possible. Give yourself permission to create emotional boundaries with the people you’re cohabitating with. They can have their own experiences and feelings about what is happening, and it may be very different from your own. Try your best to get some space however you can. A walk to the mailbox counts. Sitting alone in the closet (wishing it had a lock) and taking some deep breaths also definitely counts!

Cultivate gratitude & savor connection (even if they’re in tiny bursts)

• Find moments of joy. I don’t really cook things for fun, so the idea of baking anything with my kids (like I’ve seen so many parents do on social media) feels like an impending train wreck, but I’m the first one to crank up the music for a kitchen dance party. Do what works for you and lean into your strengths.
• Be on the lookout for moments of connection. In our house we call them “Corona Memories” — bizarre and silly things we’ve done together that we’ll associate with this pandemic. The TV shows we’ve (binge) watched together, super random things we’ve eaten (popcorn and pickled herring for dinner, thank you very much), the frenzy and antics when somebody has to get on a Zoom meeting or Google Classroom and babies are melting down — yikes.
• Remember the positive experiences. Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson suggests that negative experiences register immediately in the brain because it helps us survive. But positive experiences generally have to be held in awareness for 10-20 seconds to register in emotional memory. So the next time you’re all laughing together during your Netflix show, take a moment to lock in this moment by taking a deep breath and noticing what you see, smell, hear, taste and touch for 10-20 seconds.
• Three Good Things. Research suggests gratitude increases positive emotions and helps us release negative emotions more quickly. By recording three good things that happen each day (even in quarantine) we’re consciously spending time focusing on what’s going right, not just on what’s going wrong. Think about three good things that happened during your day, and write down why it happened and why you feel good about it. After a week, look back on what you’ve written. How does it feel when you look at these good things? 

For more well-being resources during the pandemic and beyond, check out the resources offered by UK Human Resources Health and Wellness and Work-Life. May you be happy, may you be healthy and safe, may you be at peace.