UK expert shares ways to recognize, prevent violence during the holidays

LEXINGTON, Ky. (Dec. 20, 2022) — While the holidays are a time of year many people look forward to, they can come with added stressors that can sometimes lead to potentially violent and dangerous situations.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), violence is a widespread public health problem in the U.S. and occurs in many forms: intimate partner or dating violence, sexual violence, physical violence, psychological aggression and child physical, sexual and psychological abuse or neglect.

Researchers at the University of Kentucky’s Center for Research on Violence Against Women (CRVAW) found that one-third of Kentucky women have experienced some type of violence in their lifetime.

CRVAW’s mission is to help prevent violence. UKNow talked to Ann Coker, Ph.D., the center’s acting director and who holds the inaugural Verizon Wireless Endowed Chair, about scenarios that may come up during the holidays and strategies to handle them. There is also a list of resources below for anyone who may need help.

1.Your family, the events and the stress of the holidays are overwhelming, and you don’t know how to handle it.

Coker: Acknowledging that it is a stressful time of year is a good step. Another strategy: try to keep your routine through the holiday to the best of your ability. We tend to overeat and not exercise and take on too much.

Maybe you need to reduce the amount of time you’re spending with family. Pick one event to go to and not all of them.

What we're really talking about is self-care. It’s hard to do if everybody is staying in the same place. So another way to reduce your stress could be to stay in a hotel. In my family, everybody tries to stay in the same place, which is just crazy. But maybe it would be better for everybody's mental health that we're in other locations.

Also, give yourself permission to rest this season. I mean, that's a big part of what we lack in the holiday situation. You know, women particularly, we're usually go, go, go.

Self-care is not selfish. The only person who can implement self-care is first the self, and it’s in no way selfish to take care of yourself. You’re the only person that can do that.

2.You’re going to a holiday party where you know people will be drinking and you have concerns about your safety in the environment.

Coker: We all know that drinking is more prevalent around the holidays between parties and family gatherings and alcohol can escalate situations.

One of the tenants of good self-care is to trust yourself and have a plan before going into a setting that could potentially be challenging. That can include having a plan to leave in a way that's safe for you, whether you leave with a friend or drive yourself to and from the party.

And you can take steps to stay safe while you’re at a party. The most common form of sexual violence, particularly for women, is coercion, which is pressuring someone into having sex. It can start as kissing and then quickly move into something uncomfortable. So, have a buddy and don’t leave the party without that other person unless you have a conversation and everybody's comfortable with that decision.

These are the strategies that we use in bystander interventions around sexual violence. Engage others, know your own personal limits, know what is comfortable for you and have a way to leave as needed.

3.You’re at a family dinner and your partner is saying cutting or dismissive things to you in front of everyone.

Coker: This is a really common situation. After something like that happens at dinner, people typically get quiet. Silence is how violence continues. Dismissive or cutting remarks as a form of psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is the more common form of partner violence and frequently co-occurs with physical or sexual intimate partner violence.

Being alone in a potentially violent situation is the worst place you could be. That's what makes intimate partner violence so frightening. You're married to or partnered with a person that you cannot trust. Not all dismissive comments or cutting remarks are indicators of psychological partner violence. But these remarks can be indicators of abuse. As a witness to these remarks, you could be the ideal person to ask the one to whom these comments were directed if they were ok or wanted to talk about these experiences. This short conversation could be the end to the silence that allows violence to continue.

At least one in three women has experienced some form of partner violence in their lifetime. A lot of that is psychological abuse, which alone has physical and mental health consequences. This is common and it's not something to be ashamed of. It's something we need to talk about.

Name your concern and share it with others, particularly family members. Also, note that domestic situations are the most dangerous for the people in the room as well as for the police. So, the more that people in the room know what's happening, the better.

That's saying your truth, and you also need to have a plan. It could be with your sister or brother or whoever it is, somebody you trust to say, “If things get out of hand, I want you to know that I'm going to do X.” In that case, you likely just leave, and then they’ll know and they can be like a buddy.

If you think you are witnessing violence or abuse, go with your gut. If something feels uncomfortable to you as someone looking in on the situation, it probably isn't comfortable for the person who is experiencing it. Follow up with that person, talk about what happened, and, again, have a plan in place to handle those situations.

4.Your child tells you that "Uncle Mark" did something that made them feel uncomfortable.

Coker: One of the worst things that we can do as parents is to deny what our children tell us. Say "Uncle Mark" always tickles the kids and maybe it goes too far. It may not be sexually abusive, but to say, “Oh, that's just Uncle Mark,” is dismissive. Denying the child's feelings or the child's experience is really problematic. So, I would say, believe the child because then it's her experience or his experience. And if they're telling you about it, you know something has happened.

If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, please contact the statewide Child Abuse Hotline toll-free at 877-597-2331 to make a report.

Resources
There are several resources available to Kentuckians who need help. Below is a list of some that may be helpful for victims of violence.

If you or someone you know is having concerns about their mental health call or text 988 to connect with a trained crisis counselor. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

• For UK students: Violence Intervention and Prevention Center: 859-257-3574 or vipcenter@uky.edu
• Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 502-209-5382
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788
• For those in Central Kentucky: Greenhouse17: 1-800-544-2022 | Safety planning
• Kentucky Association of Sexual Assault Programs: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
• Ampersand Sexual Violence Resource Center of the Bluegrass: 859-253-2511
• Prevent Child Abuse Kentucky: 1-800-CHILDREN
• Children’s Advocacy Centers of Kentucky: To report child abuse or neglect in Kentucky please call 877-597-2331 or 877-KYSAFE1.
• UK Center on Trauma & Children: 859-218-6901
• Kentucky Child Abuse Hotline: 877-597-2331
• Child Protection Branch of Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services: 877-597-2331 or 800-752-6200
• National Human Trafficking Hotline: 1-888-373-7888 or text 233733
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network